


i'd always choose you, mick

by gerardweyhey



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, Cheating, M/M, season 5, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-16
Updated: 2015-01-16
Packaged: 2018-03-07 19:13:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3179978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gerardweyhey/pseuds/gerardweyhey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(set after 5x01) Ian tells Mickey that he's been cheating on him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'd always choose you, mick

**Author's Note:**

> ok so since ian's been fucking cheating on mickey as of 5x01 and i am impatient i wanted some sort of idea on what's gonna happen when mickey does find out so yeah basically this is gonna be painful read at your own risk
> 
> i also have a tumblr (autumninginreverse) where i post these and a spotify (saverockandkj) where i post related playlists (for this i suggest potential break up song(s))
> 
> i hope you enjoy and please please if you liked it leave kudos and i'd be really happy if you commented or bookmarked it so enjoy and i love you all xx

Freezing cold water Ian had splashed onto his face electrocuted him as he made eye contact with himself in the mirror, glancing proximately at the shattered glass. He searched desparately inside his eyes to find the old Ian, buried deep and hidden away by his problems. A sick, dreadful feeling in his stomach, as if molten lead was pooling into his stomach and solidifying burned his body as he thought about how he'd blatantly lied to Mickey's face. For the past four years he'd practically begged Mickey to be in a relationship with him and be open and honest about it, and here he was now, fucking around with complete strangers. Ian's illness had been hard on Mickey, both physically and mentally. Ian never got tired, was always up to fuck no matter what time of day, but when he was low, Mickey had to watch as the love of his life lose all desire to exist as anything more than skin and bones. Now, on top of all the shit Ian had already had Mickey deal with, he had also found himself cheating on him multiple times with no reason supporting his actions. It wasn't because he was dissatisfied with their relationship; he loved Mickey. He loved everything about him, he loved what they had between them, and now Ian had gone and fucked everything up because he can't fucking admit he has a problem.

He doesn't want to see the look on Mickey's face when he finds out.

Ian's already sworn to himself he wouldn't; he can't. Nothing could ever possibly hurt more than seeing someone, especially Mickey, with a broken heart on his behalf. Why wouldn't he have considered this when he decided to fuck up every single time? 

Ian's mind cleared, and he was left with himself alone once again in silence. His eyes traced back to the fragmented mirror, placing a finger gingerly on the glass and wondering what the hell ever did happen to that mirror. It'd been broken for a while, but none of the Milkovich's had ever bothered to replace it. He assumed it was a drunken, enraged Terry; the usual way shit ever got broken here. His heart dragged him out of the bathroom to ignore the distractions his mind created and go find Mickey, to tell him the truth with his tail between his legs.

He found Mickey laying on his back in his room, clouds of smoke seeping through his mouth. He was relaxed, shifting the cigarette between his fingers absent-mindedly. He met the cigarette to his lips, and took an extended drag, before exhaling and passing it along to Ian. He accepted, the smoke taking the edge of the moment off slightly, though he returned it with shaking hands. He sat beside Mickey, gazing down at him with affection, pondering how exactly he'd be able to start a conversation as shitty as this.

“Hey, you have anywhere to be right now, or like, anytime soon? 'Cause I gotta talk to you about something, and it's important, and I don't know how much you're gonna like it.” Ian babbled, cursing himself for talking like a rushed idiot. Mickey's eyebrow raised slightly, handing the smoke back to Ian, implying he needed to calm down.  
“Nah, I'm not busy, got the day off. Why, what's up?” Mickey replied, attempting to seem composed but sounding hesitant and fearful.  
“It's... bad... fuck, Mickey, it's really bad.” Ian said, burying his face in one hand, letting the cigarette burn in the other.  
“Would you just tell me what's going on?” Mickey asked with a slightly raised voice, though he'd been working on trying to be more gentle with everyone, especially Ian, with little success.  
“Remember-” Ian stopped, his back rising and falling from heavy breaths to ensure he didn't pass out, “Remember, when I was late picking you up from work that day? A-and when I went to that diner Fiona works at with everybody?”  
“Sure.” Mickey said, his heart feeling as though someone was hanging weights on it each time Ian spoke, expecting the worse in what was to come.  
“Fuck, I- I can't tiptoe around it, it's-”  
“Then just fucking say it. I won't kill you, regardless of whatever you say.”  
“Even if I cheated on you?”  
The words hit Mickey like a ton of bricks. It felt as though someone had robbed him of his ability to breathe. His body became immobile and all he seemed to be able to do was sit there stupidly with a blank look on his face.

Ian recognized that look. He'd seen it cross Mickey's face plenty of times. His heart had been shattered and he was trying to act like it hadn't happened. He'd had that face when his mom died, when Terry had Svetlana rape him, when Ian stopped wanting to hide and he told Mickey things were over.

“Mickey, I am so sorry.” Ian managed to stammer out over the overactive thoughts screaming in his mind. Mickey simply nodded, biting his lip with darkened eyes. “Mick, they meant nothing to me, Fiona told you I might be bipolar and she told you I'd be hypersexual, and fucking Christ, those guys meant nothing to me, nothing! I know I can't blame it all on whatever the fuck is wrong with me, I know that. But if you think for one fucking second that I'd trade you to be with anyone in the entire world, you're dead wrong. You know that I love you, and I'd always choose you, Mick. As soon as it happened, I regretted it, and it should've never happened once, let alone twice. You are all that I need, I'll always need you because you and I were meant to be. Everything that's ever happened to us, everything trying to get in our way of happiness, we've made it through that. Can we please make it through this, please? All I'm asking for you is to accept my apology at least, I understand if you don't forgive me, but please, please accept my apology.” Ian prayed the words he'd just stumbled out managed to make sense to Mickey, so he'd understand what Ian was trying to get at. Mickey looked straight into Ian's eyes, and he'd become the most recognizable he'd been since he first showed signs of his mania. He saw the broken, scared fifteen year old that knocked on his door when Monica had decided to be a part of his life again. His eyes mirrored the desperation and fear they did nearly three years ago, when Mickey first realized he felt something more for Ian Gallagher. Mickey had finally recovered a piece of Ian from the wreckage that was his disease and the trauma it had caused. 

“Four fuckin' years,” Mickey began as Ian choked on a breath. “Four fuckin' years you'd begged me to be in this relationship with you, Ian. You knew how I felt, you saw every fucking piece of me that there was, pieces I couldn't even see. I was scared, fuck, I'm still scared. I've been scared since the first time we had sex. Because it wasn't a thought anymore, it was a plan set in motion, set in motion by you, and you helped me through that. It's my responsibility to help you through this, whatever the fuck's going on with you. I promised that to you when I told you we were a couple. But if that shit keeps happening, I don't know if I'll be able to, you know, I can't stay through that.” 

They sat in dead silence, Ian unsure of what Mickey planned on doing next, Mickey composing his mind to form coherent thoughts.

“I never loved anybody, Gallagher. Not my dad, not my siblings, nobody. The only person I've ever felt any sort of bond with was my mom. She didn't do shit to help us when Terry was being a fucking asshole, but she cared. She was like a stereotypical mom, you know, asking how your day was and shit. She lived for that, she lived for us. And now she's gone.” Mickey's voice had begun to tremor, stopping before it cracked and he started to cry. Ian's eyes had softened from fear to sympathy, Mickey noticed as his watery ones looked to his, as if it were a cry for unwanted help. “I guess, what I'm really trying to say, is that you're the only person I've ever fucking loved in my life, and it terrifies me to think you'll give up on me.”  
“I'll never give up on you, or on us. Nobody in this world could compare to the way you make me feel inside, ever.” Ian's voice was strengthened and reassuring.  
“You gotta fucking promise me you'll go see somebody about this, okay?” Ian's face dropped to a resistant look. “Please, you gotta do it, for me, you gotta do it. I can't deal with you cheating on me all the time and I doubt it's good for your mind if it makes you feel guilty.” Ian cast a look downwards, before agreeing. “I will, I'll go for you.” Mickey smiled faintly, though you could tell sadness was overweighing the fact Ian could get better, that he wanted to be better.  
“What do you want to do now?” Ian asked. “Where do we go from here?” Mickey's eyes trailed upwards as he flopped backwards onto the bed with an exhausted sigh. “Do you want me to leave you alone?” Ian inquired quietly. Mickey shook his head, motioning for Ian to lay beside him.  
“Can you just hold me?” Ian had never seen Mickey more innocent than in that moment. He couldn't see the show Mickey put on for others; a tough hard-ass who beat people up and happened to have a boyfriend, but rather, a broken, scared boy that wanted what all humans wanted; he wanted to be loved.  
“I know it's not okay.” Ian said, cuddling up cautiously to Mickey, weaving arms around Mickey firmly but gently, relaxing as he felt the smaller boy shift into his embrace. “It'll never be okay. I know I fucked up, and I know it won't ever be fully okay, but-”  
“It won't, yeah, but we'll get through this. We always do.” Mickey promised him. Ian's face broke out into a smile for what felt like the first time in forever.”  
“Have I ever mentioned how much I love you?” Ian said, rubbing a thumb delicately on Mickey's arm.  
“Maybe once or twice. I love you too, you know. It gets hard, and maybe things are pretty shitty right now but I will never not love you. Never.”  
“You promise?”  
“Promise.”


End file.
